Across the Border

[tracker7]

The interview went well, I was offered the job, but after giving it an evening's thought, I turned it down. I can do better, especially for the summer, and probably will be doing so in the next week or so.

I almost went back to Louisville that evening. D called, having had a pretty rough day. We talked for a while, and again later in the evening, and things got onto a good-enough keel. But the talk led to something strange.

Nightmares hit Thursday night, and the worst involved me killing a friend. Not the more common lucid dreams - I was purely along for the ride. Woke up pretty scared. So, adrenaline from the nightmares plus concern about D plus having to scrub some other plans for Thursday evening at the last minute, and I had some kind of chemical soup going through me. I had this shell of civilized behavior over the strongest fight-or-flight-or-fuck state of mind I've felt in years, and some text messages and phone calls on Friday inadvertently added to that. Nothing worked to bring me down - I wrote, I drove, reconnected the PS2, went for a walk, etc., and it would not go away. I made things worse by going to Liberty, and the clutter there did a number on whatever strain of OCD that hits me from time to time. Came back home Saturday night, running less-traveled and more-interesting roads than the fastest, most direct route, stayed up until the wee hours trying to read before giving up and mixing a high-strength drink or two and letting that knock me out. Woke up on the couch late Sunday morning, having left bed sometime during the night, made myself take a shower, and watched hockey and handled some GenCon work all afternoon.

Monday, still some residual whatever-this-was in my system. Read, wrote, made some phone calls. Went to class - only one more session!

Going back to Louisville this evening, maybe sooner if I can get an appointment to check out an apartment. Not super-thrilled about the event that the date is centered on, and I won't be able to bail out, but it's only a couple of hours and the company will be good.

Comments

[mrteufel.livejournal.com]

Which implies that turning it down was harder than you let on in the post. Possibly harder than you want to consciously think about. Doesn't mean it wasn't the right decision - dreams aren't prophetic or anything; just mental constructs as you try and make sense of your life and emotions to form long-term memories.

(I did a bit of psych at uni, but mostly learned about this stuff while my own head was being shrunk. :D )

[tracker7.livejournal.com]

It does make sense. In the past couple of days, I've had a little bit of ... not really regret, but something like it, over leaving my admittedly awful previous job so early.

[mrteufel.livejournal.com]

Good luck with finding the job you want/need!

[tracker7.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I expect I'll be in a temp gig pretty soon, enough to shore me up until GenCon and the fall semester.